3 Things That Should Be Illegal (And Their Punishments)
I was recently watching something (I can’t remember what anymore), and someone on the show said some mundane thing should be illegal. It got me thinking – what are some things I think should be illegal, and, if they were, what would the punishments for doing them be? Well, here are three in no particular order.
#1 – Leaving a shopping cart in a parking space
So, the first thing on the list is something that happens to me weekly. Sometimes multiple times per week. Not only is this one terribly annoying, but it has two separate facets of butthole-ism.
The first issue with this heinous crime against humanity is that it crushes people’s hopes. Imagine, if you will, that you are driving through a packed parking lot at the grocery store and you see what appears to be an open space ahead. You round the back end of the prior car and BAM, right in the middle of the spot you were so hopeful to turn in to, is a shopping cart – sometimes even a small, shopping cart community (don’t get me started on parking small cars or motorcycles at the un-viewable spots for approaching drivers!). Well, now you are kind of annoyed. And it isn’t like you can just get out of your running car and move it. Where I live, someone is likely to hop in and speed off to the local chop shop (I totally haven’t been watching too many cop TV dramas.) And, you can’t nudge it with your car to push it out of the way (even if it is positioned correctly), because … well because that would bring me to the second annoying outcome of these careless shop-cart-leaver-ers.
Shopping carts have wheels. I know some of you are like ‘no f’in shit’, but hear me out. They are mobile. They seem to like to move. I don’t know what kind of light metal they are made out of, maybe painted cardboard, but a gentle breeze can send one of these wheeled baskets rocketing across the pavement and into someone’s car. What at first seems like light, metallic paper somehow transforms into a precision, car-denting-headlight-busting missile. I wonder if some scientists somewhere have spent millions researching the damage wild, rampaging shopping carts cause each year? If not, sign me up!
So, if you are one of these people, please stop. I know the fifteen steps between your trunk and the cart corral is exhausting after your ten mile journey through the aisles of Wal-Mart, but please, for the love of all that is holy, spend the time putting your cart where it goes. If it seems too far, then maybe strategically park as close to the corrals as possible when you first come to the store? Just an idea. That is, if some other a-hole hasn’t clogged those spots with other carts. – Also, “fun fact”, where I am originally from, shopping carts are called “buggies”.
What should be the punishment for a person who leaves a shopping cart in a parking spot (from now on referred to as buggie-bastards)? I think that they should be made to spend an entire weekend corralling stray carts at Wal-Mart … in the rain. I hope you freeze your hands off, you damned dirty buggie-bastards!
#2 – People who cut in line
With my mind on the butt-holery that goes on in supermarket parking lots, it segued easily to a behavior that can happen inside the store that I hate. Of course, this can be done anywhere there is a line (“fun fact”, Brits call them queues.)
You know these people. You‘ve almost always known them. From the first day in Kindergarten when Peter-my-momma-didn’t-raise-me-right pushed in front of you at the water fountain, to when that group of girls passed you at Six-Flags. They’re all bastards. And, remember Peter? (Okay, I’ve never known a Peter. Names presented in this show
have been changed to protect the innocent. Again. No TV cop dramas in my past.) Well, he didn’t stop after Kindergarten. He’s that guy at the grocery store who, when a new lane opens up and the cashier calls people over (“Hey, I’m open on twelve!”) rushes over there even though he was last in the current line. Hey, dill-hole, that’s pseudo-cutting-in-line and still counts as a crime! Learn to life. (“Fun fact”, dill-hole was first used as an insult in the TV show Beavis and Butthead!)
And then, as I mentioned before, there are the line cutters at amusement parks and such. Sure, someone breaking in front of you at the grocery store may prolong your wait in the fifteen-to-twenty minute line, but if you’re at Disney World, it’s a whole new level of suck. Many lines at amusement parks can take hours depending on the crowd and the awesomeness of the ride. What is more infuriating than when a couple of teenage girls all of a sudden bump against you and squeeze by saying “Sorry, sorry. Just squeezing by. Our friends are up there. Oops, sorry.”? And one of the worst parts is that you don’t see it coming. And, for some reason, probably because your momma raised you better than Peter’s, your brain wants to respond in the polite way and casually move. By the time you realize “Hey, those inconsiderate bastards (yes, all genders are bastards to me) just broke in line!” they are already fifty people down the queue. And, of course, you don’t want to be “that guy” who yells at them and confronts them. I hear some of you thinking, “But Adam, what if their family is really up there waiting on them? What if they had to pee?” Tough! Hold it in. Piss on the roller coaster. Wait until the big splash on the river-rapids ride and let it go. Stay with your family; stay with your spot in line; or lose your place. If not, then face …
People who cut in line should have to stand in one of those epicly long, hot, sucky lines at Six Flags. We’re talking new roller coaster on release day lines. And then, when they get to one space before the front of the line, be made to go to the back again. They are required to do this one time per person in the family/friend group they were originally trying to reach. JUSTICE!
#3 – People who sneeze without covering their face
Okay, so you broke in front of me at the checkout. Then, you left your cart in the once-open parking space across the lot. You’re definitely a huge ass, but then, then you do something really unforgivable. It starts with the quiver-face. You know the one I’m talking about. The one that always precedes a bout of sneezing. You involuntarily squint your eyes. Your nose wrinkles up. And it looks like your mouth is either preparing to sing a high-note of “I will always love you” or you’re ready to drop a deuce. I see this. I know what is about to happen. But, of course I know that you were not raised by chimpanzees and will surely cover your mouth and nose with something. If not a tissue or paper, then at least the common courtesy of the elbow-pit (what the hell is that part really called???) or hand. But no, an explosion of snot and spittle erupts from your face and into the air. Now, the wetness and chunks may not even reach me, hell, more often than not, anything that does come out is invisible, but, therein lies one of the problems.
Now the air around me that I am uncontrollably breathing in is laced with whatever was in your nose. Probably invisible diseasey things. I hope to God that whatever I breathed in at least doesn’t contract the “I’m a buggie-bastard-and-don’t-know-how-to-cover-my-face” virus. And, “fun fact”, sneezes can encompass a fifteen feet area, so, even if you are in the parking space by me, casually parking your cart in an open spot, chances are I‘m getting some of that cloud. Come on people, cover up! Gross!
At first I thought about condemning these people to the seventh ring of Hell, but then I faced the problem of them never experiencing the nasty wet sensation of stranger body fluid on them. So, their punishment, is to be tied to a chair and have a stranger fill a mist bottle up with gurgled water (from the stranger’s mouth), then, on random intervals throughout the hours of punishment, spray the perpetrator in the face. You’ll cover your face when you sneeze from now on, won’t you random-woman-at-the-bank-who-I-wanted-to-punch-last-week!?
So, there you have it, a list of three, unfortunately everyday things, that should be a crime to do! Tell me in the comments below or on twitter ( @xAdamPoe ) something you think should be punishable by law and what exactly that punishment should be. Be creative! I may make a list of 3 – 5 more in a few weeks after I’ve read your suggestions.
And, as always, thanks for reading!